The Faithful Therapist

Forgiveness: The Path to Freedom

2011-10-11T11:10:00.000-07:00

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was you.”

—Louis B. Smedes

Sometimes we can find ourselves feeling weighed down by some indefinable “sludge” that seems to keep us feeling “stuck” in various areas of our lives. When this happens, it is always good to take a spiritual/emotional inventory. Could we possibly be harboring unforgiveness?

What is forgiveness anyway?

Forgiveness is releasing the bitterness.

§ “Resentment is like a glass of poison that a man drinks; then he sits down and waits for his enemy to die.”—Nelson Mandela

§ “Forgiveness is me giving up my right to hurt you for hurting me.” –Anonymous

§ “to accept the fact that the past can’t change.” Oprah Winfry

It involves understanding:

§ I’m a sinner too, and God has forgiven me. I need to agree with God.

§ We all sin out of pain and/or ignorance. Can you empathize with even a small part of why they did what they did? Remember, understanding is not excusing.

§ He is able to redeem, the most horrible of circumstances; I am not a victim.

§ Forgiveness comes from God. He will help us forgive if we ask.

o Remember: “To err is human, to forgive is divine.”

What forgiveness is not:

It is not always reconciliation. Sometimes for physical or emotional safety, we need to maintain distance. Pray about whether a confrontation that might result in reconciliation is appropriate.

§ “It takes one person to forgive, it takes two people to be reunited.” Louis B. Smedes

Forgiveness is not making the offense ok.

§ “When we forgive evil we do not excuse it, we do not tolerate it, we do not smother it. We look the evil full in the face, call it what it is, let its horror shock and stun and enrage us, and only then do we forgive it.” Louis B. Smedes

Forgiveness does not remove the consequences. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is to allow a person to experience the consequences of their actions. Consequences are different from punishment or revenge.

Why forgive?

Forgiveness is essential to our emotional, spiritual and physical health. We cannot be truly free when we harbor unforgiveness. It will affect or ability to love, live and be happy.

“Let all bitterness, …anger…and evil speaking be put away from you…and be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ also forgave you.” Ephesians 4:30-32

Be Still

2011-02-20T21:15:00.000-08:00

Psalm 46:10: Be still and know that I am God.

We live in a culture that extols ambition, accomplishment, achievement and activity...so many "A"s! Yes, we make the grade... A+ to all of us over-achievers out there, working our hearts out to feel productive, worthwhile and useful. No wonder they call it a "type A" personality.

We can feel especially justified in our life-style if we are in some sort of ministry or helping profession. There is such value in what we do. But sometimes our passion runs dry; we feel empty and ...well....just plain exhausted. And in the back of out mind we wonder why God feels so far away.

Could it be that we are missing a balance that God always intended for us? How much do we value stillness...taking time in our day to quiet our thoughts and just "be" with God? I sometimes meditate on Ps. 46:10 when I have trouble turning off all the anxious "noise" in my head. I was taught a distilling process with this verse that has often brought renewal and clarity to my mind.

I would like to share just a few of my own gleanings from this process. I hope you will take the time also to still yourself and hear from God in this way.

"Be still and know that I am God".

"Lord, I am not you. I do not control much of anything in this universe. I am too small and finite and weak. Forgive me for trying to control people and situations and all the resulting anxiety this produces. I release all my cares to you and place you once again on the throne as God...my God.

"Be still and know that I am..."

Father, you are ever-living in the present. You speak not "I was" or "I will", but "I AM". You are here in this moment...and I so often miss you when I am preoccupied with the past or the future. I miss some beautiful gift you are holding out to me...some gentle nudge that will bring blessing to another and myself...some lesson that will direct and give me wisdom for the day.

There are meanings in these words, "I AM" that I can only begin to comprehend...your completeness, your self-generating power and your finality. I am awestruck as I even stand in the doorway of such truths.

"Be still and know..."

Oh Lord, you are the source of everything I need to know. You are direction for my life. Why do I try so hard to figure out life for myself, or look to other, lesser sources. You are the wellspring of knowlege that will teach, direct and enlighten me on my path.

Why do I keep thinking that I can know you without coming to you, or spending the time and effort to know you? How can I wonder that my faith is pale and weak, when I have not even sought to know you well enough to know if you are trustworthy? We are not called to trust a great, unseen one who may or may not help us ... one we have only been told is trustworthy. We are called to trust our Daddy, who we know and love so intimately. Who whispers secrets in our ears and shows us hidden treasures reserved only for his dear ones. The one who has given us endless experiences of His tender faithfulness and care.

"Be still..."

What is it like to be still Lord? I think it is peaceful. But as a wise friend once shared with me, "it is peace like a river, not peace like a pond". It as a crystal clear, slow flowing river that runs deep and whose surface is glassy. The seminal psychologist, William James (of Christian heritage) described a "stream of consciousness" (I remembered his connection to this thought by remembering the James River in Virginia). Being still is not being stagnant, where all sorts of scum can flourish. I rather think of stillness as ceasing to swim across or up the river ... to just allow ourselves to float quietly in the slow, peaceful current. He is the river and as we yield ourselves to it's current, we learn His ways. The Message describes this as learning "the unforced rhythms of grace" (Matt. 11: 28-30). As we still ourselves, the "noise" of our anxious mind quiets and only then can the "still, small voice" of His Spirit be heard...we are flowing with His current.

"Be..."

Here I am faced with a deep and terrifying question: "Who am I....really?" When asked that question, we immediately go to labels that define our activities....what we do. God's love and acceptance of us has nothing to do with what we do. It is all about who we are. Can we envision our infinite preciousness to Him when we are doing nothing? I have had a few periods in my life when I was without some of the positions that defined me the most. I felt worthless! Without that status, that role or identity, I scarcely knew who I was, and I certainly didn't feel very useful to God. And if I wasn't useful, I couldn't possibly be of any real value. Wow! Is that a lie from the pit! Even when I am still before God, I am nagged by a condemning little voice that says I should be praying. How 'bout just sitting still to listen? We must first learn to just "be"... present, valued and loved for our essence. After all, He created us. He knows us better than we know ourselves. Our activity: ministry, loving, helping, even praying should be an outgrowth of learning to just be who he created us to be and to be content to sit at His feet in His presence with an open heart. There I am most myself and most His Beloved.

I am giving up striving for "A"s first and instead seeking the "B"s...being the beloved of my God.

I challenge my readers to commit to meditation, even for a period of time. This is an exciting adventure that I promise will deepen your Spiritual life and prove fruitful beyond measure.

Now get busy and BE STILL!

The Chains That Bind

2010-07-29T11:20:00.000-07:00

My devotions this morning refered to Chris Tomlin's "Amazing Grace". He sings:

"My chains are gone. I’ve been set free
My God, my Savior, has ransomed me.
And like a flood, his mercy reigns.
Unending love. Amazing grace.”

I played the song on YouTube, and as I listened, my thoughts hovered over a beautiful truth that has thrilled my heart with the immensity of it's implications...my chains are gone! I can walk away from the chains that have held me captive to defeat, fear, anxiety and all manner of sin. We are free to live the abundant life of liberty. 2 Cor. 3:18b says: "...now where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty."

We have been given the liberty to choose.

We can continue to sit in darkness in our chains like a familiar albeit miserable old coat, or we can shrug them off, rise and leave them lying on the floor as we walk out into the light. There is a human phenomenon called "learned helplessness". What happens is that if we experience failure repeatedly, we come to believe that there is no way to experience a different outcome and we cease to try...even when circumstances change that would have allowed us to experience success. Women trapped in abusive marriages can experience learned helplessness and decline to escape their tormentor, even when an avenue such as a shelter opening is provided for them.

Sin can be like an abusive husband who torments us daily and convinces us that we have no way out. Well, I have news for you! God provided a way out through Jesus Christ. His work on the cross loosed the chains of sin, fear and shame that keep us from living the free, abundant life God intended for us.

The power of faith

What is the key? Why it is faith of course. Our beliefs are infinitely more powerful than any actual circumstance. Why does one blind person sit in dark loneliness, feeling worthless and pitiful while another has a vibrant joyous career and social life? Faith. Somewhere along the way, they came to believe that such a thing was possible for them and they began to walk according to their belief. Were there obstacles and failures along the way? Most certainly, but their deep belief led them to try again and again and adapt and find another way if possible. But they would not give up.

I am not just speaking of belief in our intrinsic value or our unique abilities, but of a belief that the work of Christ is finished and that we truly are no longer bound by our chains...whatever they may be. When we walk according to His will for us, we can be assured that we will find strength to complete the good work He has begun in us. It is only when we believe the lies of the enemy in that time of temptation that we fall and run back our old ways.

Walking in freedom can be a very foreign, even scary experience. We must take courage and hold tight to our Lord and Savior (and the hands of some dear friends who have gone before) and learn to walk, much like I am seeing my beautiful granddaughter begin to take her first faltering steps. Sometimes she has to sit down, just because she gets so scared!

Eleanor Roosevelt said: "Do something every day that scares you". What an adventure life becomes when we live by those words!

Lord Jesus:
Give us faith to walk in the abundant free live you are offering us. We refuse to listen to the voices of fear, shame, worry and helpessness. We are free indeed!
Amen

Resurrecting an Old Dream

2010-03-16T07:11:00.000-07:00

This morning my devotional talked about how God resurrected an old dream that had died for Elizabeth and Zacharrias. After many years, God chose a point in time to fulfill that dream, even after all hope had died.

My mind wandered back to a time seven years ago when God spoke to my heart and resurrected an old dream that had died for me. My dream had been to become a Christian counselor. I knew this required a great deal of education and had dismissed my dream on the assumption that I could never complete such a long term, rigorous goal. But something was different this time. God challenged my faith and I accepted this challenge. This was the beginning of a journey that would broaden me, heal me, test me and grow me beyond anything I had experienced before this point.

The timing of this devotional was no accident. I am still in the midst of this journey and have been in a place where there seemed to be an enormous amount of work with very little return. I was feeling discouraged and wondering if I had somehow wandered off the path.

What a comforting reminder of Gods amazing ways. The fulfillment of His will in our lives does not depend on our strength....only our willingness to obey and not shrink from His calling on our lives.
Are you feeling the stirrings of God's Spirit blowing amongst your graveyard of long-dead dreams? Could it be that God is presenting you with the turning point in your life that will reveal all the fullness of purpose for which you were created. Perhaps God has put you on the earth for just such a time as this.

Or are you the one who has been faithfully walking that dream, and find yourself in a dark valley of discouragement that you fear could be a dead end. Remember the many stories of God's faithfulness along the way. He has not left you....he will continue to be faithful and this is just one more set-up for God to show Himself merciful, powerful and infinitely able to be all that we need for the journey. Do not shrink back dear brothers and sisters. Press on and His glory will break through like the dawn. Remember that building endurance is always part of the plan.

There is a River....

2010-01-28T10:29:00.000-08:00

Psalm 46:4
There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells.

I am a human of limited resources. I have limited money, limited time and limitied capacity to love and care. There never seems to be enough of me or what I have.

I must join the flow.
I must open the gate on both sides. First I must open myself to God. I must let myself receive the love He is pouring out on me and be filled. I must acknowlege my need for Him and offer Him my flawed, limited resources, inward and outward. This is the "incoming gate". If we do this we will be filled, but we will soon fill up and the water will cease to flow in and we will grow stagnant. We must also open up the "outgoing gate".

We must begin to give out of what we know to be a very limited resource. But give we must. This giving must come out of a desire to become part of the river, not because we are feelin compelled by someone or some demanding situation. We must know this is our choice and that our giving springs from our own faith. In Mark 12:41-44, Jesus observes a woman throwing the only cash she has, a mere two mites, into the offering. Jesus commended this woman, because she gave all she had. She had no care for the void this left in her pocktbook, because she knew THERE IS A RIVER. She knew that God was her supply and that she could pour out all she had because God would be pouring in just as fast as she poured out. She would join the flow. Now, truely, she may not have thought of her giving in these terms. She most likely merely gave out of a pure desire to honor God and out of a grateful heart. There is no doubt in my mind, that somehow, someway, God cared for this woman more beautifully than the birds of the air.

How often do we shrink back from what God is calling us to do because of a fear that there will not be "enough" of ....something: love, money, time or energy. THERE IS A RIVER!

When we operate out of fear, compulsion, seeking to please others or selfish ambition, we will find a dry and thirsty land all around, but when we make decisions and act out of a love to please and serve our Lord we will find a river. We will find that our needs are met, our joy intact and that mercy and goodness shall follow us all the days of our lives (Ps 23). This dear friends is abundant life!

Psalm 1:3 says that the man who delights in God's ways and keeps his mind on Him is "like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that brings forth its fruit in its season. Whose leaf also shall not wither; And whatever he does shall prosper:"

For Inward Reflection:
Am I weary, tired, discouraged and impovered?
Is there some way in my life that I have sought to give or withhold without consulting God?
Is He asking more or less of me than I am currently giving/doing?

Matthew 11:28-30 (New International Version)

²⁸"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

THERE IS A RIVER!

Is professional counseling "Biblical"?

2009-11-12T14:33:00.000-08:00

Welcome to my blog! As I endeavor to build a practice as a Marriage and Family Therapist, I thought it would be helpful for people to get to know me before contacting me for appointments. I will try to post articles of interest to both pastors and layman. For my first blog, I am posting an article written by Cathryn Harris, Ph.D. Other credits are mentioned in the body. This article addresses the foundational reasons that I feel completely at peace with integrating my education and passion for psychology with my Christian faith. Hence my title "The Faithful Therapist". I will be making posts in the future by my own authorship, but with my technophobia, it was quite enough for me to just get this up and running!

I come across this question so often when meeting committed Christians in the evangelical community and elsewhere who are hurting but who also want to follow God’s instruction and plan for their life. (Our Jewish friends would never even ask this question, since they practically invented the field!)
Many committed Christians are confused or hesitant about using professional mental health services because they have been taught that needing such help means they have “weak faith”. To which I usually reply: On the contrary, it usually takes much courage and humility to reach out for help when we reach the end of our resources or knowledge, and God promises to meet us at the place of humility (Psalm 18:27, Ps. 25:9). It is in fact arrogance that tries to dictate to God who and what method he uses to meet our needs, and arrogance is the opposite of faith.

Other Christians have been taught that professional counselors cannot be trusted because they are “of the world” and have been contaminated by a non- Christian world view or education. To which I usually reply: There is some truth to this perspective, and unfortunately not all therapists are equally good at respecting the values of their clients as they hopefully should have been trained. A Christian seeking professional help should therefore choose a therapist with care, someone who shares a biblical world view, and who has been competently trained to use spiritual discrimination in integrating the truths of science with bibilical truth.

I personally believe that “All Truth is God’s Truth”; that is, everything in the Bible is true, but not everything that is true can be found in the Bible. For example, we do not turn to the Bible to find out how to fix our car (although we may pray over it if the mechanic can’t find the problem!). Thus, God’s Truth is found everywhere, in both the physical and the spiritual worlds we live in. The appropriately trained therapist can combine the natural principles of human behavior we have discovered with a deep understanding of God’s Word.

Some further answers to whether professional therapy is “biblical” , and other Christian objections to professional counseling, are provided below.
The following material has been adapted from a brochure developed almost 20 years ago with some fellow Christian professionals. Feel free to share this information with others, but please give credit to Cathryn Harris, Ph.D., Keith Clark, PsyD, Evelyn Cochran, MA, and Leigh Nicholson, MA.

Where is "Professional Counseling" in the bible?
Counseling was really God's idea in the first place! For example, He instructs us to support and encourage one another, bear one another's burdens (Gal. 6:2), pray for one another (James 5:16), admonish one another (I Thess. 5:14), weep with those who weep, and laugh with those who are happy (Rom.12:15}
There is also biblical precedence for the role of a counselor or "wise man" in the life of a believer. Starting with Saul, the Hebrew kings traditionally employed three types of people to be in their "court" (the rough equivalent of the Cabinet to the President) to advise him in decision-making. The three types of advisers were the scribe, the seer, and the sage. The scribe gave advice to the king based on his knowledge of Scripture. The seer or prophet gave advice based on his ability to receive revelation from God. The sage gave advice based upon his accumulated wisdom and depth of insight (1 Chr.27:32). Thus, a spiritual giant such as David valued and sought after advice from identified "expert counselors" as well as from God's revelation when it came to conducting the affairs of the kingdom of Israel.

The role of sage is played in today's society by professional counselors. In Proverbs 8:2-36 we learn that the sage accumulates his wisdom by going out into the world and observing the natural world which God has in His wisdom created. He recognizes a cause and effect structure, reflects on it, and forms principles by organizing the information into an understandable format (Prov. 24:30-34). This is what we now call the method of science. Psychology as a science uses this method to observe and understand the patterns in human behavior, patterns which God has created. Christian professional counselors take these facts and principles and combine them with a knowledge of God's Word to understand human behavior, feelings, and relationships in the light of all God's wisdom.

(With thanks to John Coe of Rosemead School of Psychology for his excellent teaching on this subject).

Well, isn't professional counseling only for "crazy" people?
This is like saying we can only see a doctor if we're very sick. Many of the principles that apply to developing physical health apply to mental health as well. Counseling can be growth-oriented, much in the same way that we exercise regularly and eat properly to build our physical strength. It can also be prevention-oriented, much as we see a medical doctor for check-ups or take vitamins to try to avoid colds. Also, it is often easier to resolve a problem when it is in its earliest stages of development, in the same way that cancer is more treatable if it is caught early. Many people come into counseling saying, "I realize now that this problem has been building up for a long, long time. I'm sorry I didn't come in sooner. I've wasted so much time”.

What good does "just talking" do anyway?
The Bible puts special emphasis on the power of the tongue. For example, God knows our sins and our needs even before we speak. Yet, we are encouraged to confess and ask. The act of speech has a special purpose which involves putting into action our will and increases our openness to help and forgiveness. This is the beginning of healing in both a spiritual and psychological sense. Counseling is also not just talk. It is a relationship, and relationships are the principle means of healing and growth. For example, it is our relationship with God, mediated by our words and thoughts, that brings salvation and healing not just the words themselves. Similarly, our healing happens when we are in relationship with others.

But, isn't steadfast prayer enough to overcome our difficulties?
While prayer is a powerful instrument of healing, sometimes it may not be enough. This is not because God is unwilling to answer directly with healing, but because God sometimes chooses other people to be the instruments of healing. God has formed us into a body, each with special functions, so that we will have to interact with one another, depend on each other, and grow with each other. Thus, God uses relationships with others, as well as relationship with Himself, to bring healing. Sometimes God even uses the counseling relationshiop to reveal the hidden things in us that get in the way of His healing. And sometimes our insistence on “prayer alone” is a way to avoid having to confess to someone else what our struggles and sins are, and keeps us hiding because of our shame or guilt.

Why can't I just talk to a friend or family member?
Very often, talking with a friend or family member can help a great deal. However, many people are most often self-conscious about asking for help because of shame. We are afraid of judgement, or derision, or embarrassment. We may feel that our problems or difficulties show us to be not good enough as a Christian, or that our faith is weak.It often hurts our pride to admit to struggles and failures. Unfortunately, sometimes it is that pride itself which is a barrier to healing. For this reason, it is often easier to talk to a professional counselor than to a friend. The counseling relationship is designed to be a safe opportunity to discuss painful issues that we think others may not understand or accept. The professional counselor is even mandated by law, with only some exceptions, to keep what we talk about strictly confidential. The counselor can also lend special skills and a neutral objectivity that friends or family may not have.

So why can't I just go to my pastor?
In many cases you can. Your pastor, who has special training in meeting the spiritual needs of a congregation, is uniquely equipped to encourage, console, and exhort people in a variety of situations. For example, pastors counsel those needing salvation, hope, grace, and understanding of forgiveness of sin. They pray with those who are suffering personal tragedy or loss. They can give guidance about God's will by illuminating Scripture and helping people apply its wisdom in today's world. Clergy prepare those anticipating marriage. They also meet with those experiencing stress in their marriage, helping couples to refocus and problem-solve. Our pastors, as great sources of inspiration and guidance, connect us to God and to other people. Clergy are essential bridge-builders as they respond to God's call and shepherd God's people.
However, as connection-makers, pastors are only part of God's plan to help the hurting. Pastors most often are the front-line counselors who respond to desperate calls in the middle of the night. Responding to many difficult situations which are within their calling, but which sometimes they confess are beyond their training, ministers are the first link in the chain of help and of healing. Many pastors have special training in counseling and crisis intervention. However, problems such as severe depression, anxiety, alcoholism, domestic violence, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, and long-term marital conflict may need outside intervention. These are examples of serious problems which not only involve the spiritual area of life but the physical and psychological as well. A referral may be necessary not because our pastors are incapable or uninterested in addressing these problems, but rather they want you to receive the best care possible. Often, this care comes through a trained mental health specialist or team of specialists. So, yes, you can go to your pastor for help, advice, encouragement, and, perhaps, a referral to a professional counselor.